My kids take everything so personal. How I do help them not to?

Dear webe,

Lately, my 10-year-old seems to take everything so personally. If I say, “Please remember your lunch,” they hear it as “You always forget everything.” If a friend makes a comment—even a silly one—they spiral into self-doubt or anger. I try to explain it’s not that deep, but it just makes them more upset. How do I help them not take on every passing remark like it’s a judgment on who they are?

—Tired of the Spiral

Dear Tried of the Spiral,

Oh, we hear you. It’s hard to watch your child internalize every small comment, especially when you can see the weight it puts on them. That sinking spiral, that tight chest, that urgent need to prove or fix—yes, this is something many of us know in our own bodies, too. And it makes sense that your child would feel it even more strongly. Their identity is still forming, their nervous system is still developing, and every word can feel like a mirror.

Here’s the tender truth: many kids (and grown-ups) don’t yet know they have a choice. A comment lands, and they put it on like a jacket—without even realizing they could pause and say, “Not mine.”

That’s the skill we want to help them build. Not to avoid feedback or deny feelings, but to notice the moment before the spiral—and gently choose what to carry.

You might start by offering this metaphor to them:
“Sometimes people say things—on purpose or by accident—that feel heavy. It’s like they’re handing you a jacket. But you don’t have to wear every jacket someone gives you. Some belong to them, not you.”

Then help them notice the moment in their body when a “jacket” is being offered:

• “Where do you feel that comment? In your chest? Your shoulders?”

• “What does it feel like when you put it on?”

• “Can we take a breath together and ask: is this mine to wear?”

The goal isn’t to dismiss their sensitivity—it’s to help them become the chooser. You can even playfully practice this at home:

• “Oh no, I think I just picked up a jacket called I’m the worst parent ever. Not mine! Back on the hook.”

• “That look your friend gave you? Might be their bad mood jacket. Not yours.”

And when the spiral still happens (because it will), meet them there with warmth, not correction. “That felt really real to you. Let’s slow down. We don’t have to figure it out right away.”

Because the real magic isn’t in never feeling hurt—it’s in learning that we don’t have to carry every feeling as truth.

From one parent doing the best they can to another, webe in this together!
Best wishes,
webe

P.S. If this topic resonated with you and you’re curious how it shows up in your own life—not just as a parent, but as a person—we wrote about this same theme from a more personal angle in our Substack. It’s a gentle reflection on how we carry others’ judgments, internalize criticism, and learn to choose what truly belongs to us.