Navigating Pink Tote Lid Moments: Turning Parental Anger into Connection

By Alona Pulde, MD and Dr. Matthew Lederman, MD

Have you ever yelled about something—a messy room, an undone chore, or a forgotten request—and felt a sting of regret moments later? These are the moments, now dubbed “Pink Tote Lid Moments” on TikTok, where a parent’s frustration boils over—often triggered by a small event, like a request going unmet or a chore undone. The term originated from a viral video of a mom yelling at her teen about moving a pink tote lid, sparking a wave of similar posts where teens shared their own experiences with parental outbursts.

As physicians who teach connection skills, we understand how difficult it can be to navigate these emotions. But we’re not just teachers—we’re students too. In our own family, we’ve had plenty of “Pink Tote Lid Moments.”

For us, anger is an easy emotion to access. It’s something we’ve worked hard to navigate, sometimes successfully and sometimes not. What we’ve learned is that the goal isn’t perfection—it’s connection and repair. Each time we repair after losing our temper, we strengthen trust with our kids and model the tools they’ll need to navigate their own emotions.

Here’s how to better understand anger, manage it in the moment, and help kids develop the lifelong skills to handle it with confidence and grace.

Is It Normal to Feel Angry as a Parent?

Yes, it’s absolutely normal. Parenting is one of the most emotionally demanding roles in life. It’s easy to lose patience, especially when you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or frustrated.

It’s also important to understand that anger itself isn’t dangerous or scary. Anger is a natural emotion—one that carries valuable messages about our unmet needs. However, for many of us, anger was linked to experiences of violence, abandonment, or rejection growing up. As a result, we learned to fear anger and suppress it, believing it was something to avoid at all costs.

Suppressing anger, however, doesn’t make it go away—it builds up over time. Without a healthy outlet, anger often intensifies and eventually explodes, which can make it feel toxic or harmful. This creates a destructive cycle: suppressing anger until it blows up reinforces the fear that anger is dangerous, leaving little room to connect or express it skillfully.

The problem isn’t anger itself—it’s the way we respond to it. Acting or speaking from anger, rather than connecting through it, creates disconnection. When we learn to hear the message behind our anger, we not only stop suppressing it but also develop the skills to express it in ways that foster connection, rather than fear or harm.

Anger as a Signal, Not a Cause

Although it may feel like your child’s actions cause your anger, it’s empowering to realize that anger stems from the story we create in our minds about those actions.

For example:

• If your child doesn’t clean their room and you think, “They don’t respect me or care about my needs,” anger is likely to surface.
• If you think, “They’re overwhelmed, distracted, or lacking skills,” you may feel more compassion instead.

This shift in perspective changes everything. Anger isn’t a failure—it’s a signal from your body saying, “Something isn’t working, and some important needs of mine are unmet.”

Next time anger bubbles up, pause and ask yourself:

• What story am I telling myself right now?
• Is this story helping me connect with my child, or is it amplifying my frustration?

Recognizing the story doesn’t excuse yelling, but it helps you identify the root of your frustration and respond with more clarity. Often, anger points to unmet needs like:

1. Empathy – I want my kids to understand how upset I feel.
2. Mattering – I want my kids to realize this issue is really important to me.
3. Predictability – I want to make sure this behavior doesn’t happen again.

What to Do in Frustrating Parenting Moments

When anger arises, here are three actionable steps to help manage it:

1. Pause and Breathe

Before reacting, take a physical or mental step back. Just a few deep breaths can help regulate your nervous system.

• Example: “I’m feeling upset and need a moment to calm down so I can think clearly.”

2. Label Your Feelings and Needs

Identify your feelings and needs to shift from blame to self-awareness.

• Example: “I feel frustrated because I need more support with cleaning the house.”

3. Express Anger with Feelings and Needs

If you do raise your voice, focus on your internal experience rather than blaming your child.

• Example (yelled): “I feel so frustrated because I need help keeping this house clean!”

By communicating from goodwill—even when upset—you model how to handle frustration in a way that fosters connection.

Repairing After Lashing Out

Repair is essential in parenting. It’s not about justifying why you lost your temper—it’s about reconnecting and holding space for how your reactivity may have impacted your child. Here’s how:

How to Apologize with Connection:

1. Acknowledge their feelings

• Example: “When I yelled earlier, I am guessing that you felt scared or sad and I’m sorry that happened.”

2. Hold their unmet needs

• Example: “I imagine you might want more safety and receive more kindness, even when I’m upset.”

3. Reconnect with presence

• Example: “I’m here now to show up differently, and I want you to know how much I care about you.”

integration:

4. Share Your Unmet Needs

• Example: “Although I wish I had communicated this differently, I still have a need for more support around the house. I’d love to discuss ways to get more help—either now or after dinner at a family meeting. Do you have a preference?”

Repair builds trust and teaches kids that relationships can thrive even after conflict. Remember, once you’ve made space for their feelings, you can more effectively share your own—especially after empathy has softened their heart.

Teaching Kids How to Respond to Anger

Anger isn’t just something parents navigate—it’s an opportunity to teach kids lifelong skills for staying grounded in the face of strong emotions. These skills not only help children in the moment but also equip them to handle future conflicts with clarity, empathy, and confidence.

Here’s how to empower them:

1. Self-Connect First

Help kids recognize and name their feelings. When children can identify their emotions, they begin to develop emotional literacy, which is the foundation for managing difficult situations.

• Example (child’s self-talk): “I feel scared because Mom sounds really mad. It’s okay for me to feel this way.”

2. Practice Empathy

Teach kids to empathize with their parent’s unmet needs in a way that feels manageable and non-blaming. This step helps them learn how to disarm anger and understand that it often masks deeper emotions like frustration or exhaustion. By developing empathy, kids gain a sense of agency and the confidence to respond constructively, rather than feeling helpless.

• Example (child’s words): “Mom, I hear you’re upset because you wanted my room cleaned and might think I don’t care about that.”

By practicing self-connection and empathy, children can learn to see anger as a signal of unmet needs, not as a personal attack. These tools help them stay calm and respond with understanding, even in emotionally charged moments.

Fire-Drills with Anger: A Playful Way to Build Emotional Skills

Teaching kids how to handle anger doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Fire-drills are a fun, low-pressure way to practice responding to anger in a safe, playful way.

Let your child know beforehand that this is pretend practice, just like soccer or dance, to build their skills.

• Explain to your child: “We’re going to practice responding to anger. This is pretend, and I’ll guide you—but you won’t know when it’s coming.”

Then, when they least expect it, pretend to get upset:

• Example: “Why didn’t you do what I asked? This is so frustrating!”

Coach them through self-talk and empowered empathy:

• Self-talk (child): “I feel nervous, but Dad’s upset because he’s needing help and not getting the care he wants.”
• Response (child): “Dad, I can tell you’re frustrated because you need more help and want more care.”

When they respond, celebrate their effort with warmth and enthusiasm:

• “You did it! You stayed calm and used empathy to connect to anger instead of shrinking. Woohoo!”

Adding humor or exaggeration can also make these drills feel playful and safe.

Fire-drills not only normalize anger as something manageable but also give your child the confidence to respond to emotions with clarity and connection.

A Lifelong Practice

Anger will always be part of life, but it doesn’t have to create disconnection. For parents, it’s about noticing the stories that fuel frustration, taking responsibility for emotions, and modeling repair. For kids, it’s about learning to self-connect, empathize, and stay grounded in the face of anger.

By learning these skills, kids grow into adults who can handle difficult emotions and maintain healthy relationships—with themselves and others.

This work isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up, doing your best, and creating a culture of connection and growth in your family. Every time you pause, repair, or teach your child about emotions, you’re investing in a healthier, more connected future for your family. These small moments of connection add up to lasting change.