Why My Kid Can’t Sleep (Even Though We Do Everything 'Right')

Dear webe,
My 10-year-old has been having sleep issues for months. We’ve tried everything — no screens before bed, warm baths, lavender spray, soothing music, deep breathing. They fall asleep okay, but by morning they’re still groggy, grumpy, and complaining that their “body feels tired.” I keep thinking, “We’re doing everything right… so what’s going on?” I’m starting to wonder if it’s not just a sleep issue — but I don’t know where else to look. Help?

— Tired of Trying Mom

 

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Dear Tired of Trying Mom,

First, let’s take a long, soft exhale together. You are clearly showing up with so much care, doing all the right things. And still, something isn’t landing — not for your child, and not for your heart that keeps wondering, “What am I missing?”

You’re not alone in this. So many of us put so much effort into helping our kids wind down at night, only to find that their bodies — and often our own — just can’t seem to let go.

And here’s the quiet truth that might change everything:
Real rest doesn’t start at bedtime. It starts in the middle of the day.

Why “Doing Everything Right” Isn’t Always Enough

You’re layering on rituals to help your child fall asleep, but their body may be too “wound up” from the day to truly drop into deep rest.

Think of the nervous system like a coiled rope. Every time your child braces through a tough school moment, rushes through transitions, holds in big feelings, or hustles through after-school activities, that rope tightens. And even if they fall asleep, the body stays partially on guard — hypervigilant, processing, alert.

What you’re seeing in the morning — the fatigue, the moodiness, the heavy body — may not be about how they’re sleeping, but about how much tension they’re carrying into sleep.

How to Support a “Daytime Downshift”

So what can you do? You start earlier. Not with more effort, but with tiny moments of softening throughout the day.

Here’s a gentle framework to try:

1. Notice the tight places.
   Ask yourself, “Where might my child be holding tension during the day?” Is it during homework? Social interactions? Sibling conflict? Transition times?

2. Interrupt the cycle.
   Help your child practice 1% softening:

• A silly shake-out dance after school

• A five-second shoulder roll before homework

• Laying on the floor with a heavy blanket and deep belly breaths

• A “jaw check” moment while brushing teeth

3. Shift the story of rest.
   Reframe rest not as a reward at the end of the day, but as a rhythm we sprinkle in. Midday cuddles, quiet drawing time, a calming song in the car — all of these can be votes for rest.

4. Model it.
   Let your child see you pause too. “I’m taking a breath because my body feels tight.” This normalizes the idea that unwinding isn’t just for bedtime — it’s part of life.

5. Choose pleasure over relief.
   Invite joy that fills, not just fixes:

• Read a book together because it feels good — not just because it’s the routine

• Bake together slowly instead of squeezing in “just one more thing”

• Light a candle during dinner just because it’s lovely

Rest Isn’t Earned — It’s Allowed

Sometimes kids can’t rest deeply because their days are too tight, too fast, too filled. Their bodies stay on duty — and even when their minds want to rest, the system doesn’t get the message.

But every time you co-regulate, every time you help them soften, pause, or feel safe in your presence, you’re unwinding a bit of that rope. You’re giving their body permission to let go.

So start small. One breath. One pause. One moment of togetherness.

You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just learning how to help a tired system feel safe enough to rest.

From one parent doing the best they can to another, webe in this together!
Best wishes,
webe

P.S. If this topic resonated with you and you’re curious how it shows up in your own life—not just as a parent, but as a person—we wrote about this same theme from a more personal angle in Dr. Alona & Dr. Matt's Substack. It’s a tender look at how our bodies carry the tension of doing, striving, and holding it all together… and what it means to soften long before bedtime.